Published January 1, 2010
Damnit Microsoft! I don't care if 'foresty' isn't a word! *Roars* I'LL MAKE IT A WORD!
...
Well, I guess I wouldn't call this one of the bestfirst impressions I could've made as a newbie to YWS (as this would be considered my first post... I believe I'll be paying the 'Welcome Area' a brief visit after this) but I guess it'll have to do.
I'm a bit unsure about whether or not this would really apply to the romance section but it's close enough... I have a feeling I kind of blotched up my tenses in this one-shot.
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Rain
Atticus loved the rain. The gentle pitter patter of water droplets against glass windows and worn out pavement was soothing to the nerves and the feel of it against his bare skin was heavenly. A steady rhythm of splish.slide.plip. was a constant and just about everything else was drowned out by the sheer beauty of its simplicity.
It was during rainy days like these, that Atticus found himself letting go, letting go of everything and just living in the moment.
He would let his eyelids slide closed and his face would be upturned towards the heavens. Strands of strawberry blonde hair would be clinging to his porcelain complexion and his t-shirt and denim jeans would be soaked to their very cores but it really didn't matter. Not now anyway.
His arms would then spread out, as if they were wings, as if he was capable of embracing the rains, the skies and the heavens themselves. A serene smile –a small tilt to the lips- would be plastered on his face, the type of smile that he often didn't know he was wearing until it was pointed out and would instantly disappear only to be replaced by spluttering, a scarlet face or both. But right now, he didn't think that really mattered because no one had ever walked upon him during rainy days like this. Only one person had the right to see him like this. He didn't exist though, yet for some inexplicable reason, he was there. The being needs not a reason to be there, but he was. Plain and simple.
It'd made things seem so less lonely and he was thankful for the presence regardless.
His feet would then move of their accord. Heel toe, toe heel, step, jump, twist, lean, spring, pivot, slide. His lower limbs would move in elegant arcs in a dance he'd admit to never seen before in his life, soft splashes could be heard every time he'd landed in a particular grace that he never knew he'd possessed but he never questioned it, not now, because it really didn't matter, right now, the only thing that mattered was the rain pattering on his face and trickling down his chin.
Every once and a while, he'd catch a glimpse of molten gold orbs and short ink black tresses within the corner of his eyes. He'd turn and there'd be no one there, then he'd pivot and commence his dance once again. Laughter would be carried upon the wind – gentle and tender - and Atticus would find his eyes slipping closed once again, and the oh-so familiar name upon the tip of his tongue as he revelled in the velvety texture of a non-existent laugh. He'd stop the dance altogether because he always knew what came next, even if he couldn't see it, even if he couldn't (on rare occasion) feel it, he still waited. Because there was no such thing as time when it rained.
His eyes would always be closed because the one thing that he'd always been terrified of is if the presence would just one day up and disappear. So he closed his eyes just so he'd know it was still there, just so the moment would never shatter. And he'd feel it.
The shifting of the humid air was he felt – felt - ghostly arms – so strong - envelope him and – he could swear he felt it - a warm breath ghosting over his forehead as imaginary lips lingered and as his blonde locks flittered in accordance to the exhales and inhales of the presence. And just for one moment as he allowed himself the mere luxury of leaning into that – oh-so real - warmth nose buried into the imaginary crook of the other's neck and inhaling. Intermingled with the scent of fresh rain was a musky spicy scent with a hint of something foresty. It was intoxicating and he wished – he oh-so desperately wished - that the moment would last forever. He simply wished to stay enveloped in that embrace belonging to a person that did not exist and engulfed in the scent that did not wholly belong to the rain.
You haven't changed at all Atticus, he could hear a chuckle reverberate from somewhere in front and he could almost see – even with his eyes closed - the fond smile playing upon thin lips.
"I…" Atticus spoke and just like that the rain had stopped, the moment was shattered and he stumbled forward, almost tumbling head first into stone pavement.
***
Atticus loved the rain. It made him so happy because he only lived for that one moment; nothing else mattered but the pitter patter of the rain and a laugh that always carried itself along the wind.
But when the sun came out, he found that the only thing he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry because he just felt so very lonely.
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140,848 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Well, I guess it kind of is my fault that I'm a bit vague here and there, so I'll try to clear a few things up.
This basically refers to Atticus' perception of time when it rains, and how easily he can lose himself in it. It also implicates that 'he'll wait for the presence until the end of time'...or something like that *cringes at the awful cliche*@sugarxsnow:
It's already implied that he knows/is familiar with the presence (not really a ghost, but it's my fault for not explaining) prior to this.
But I'm very vague, so that would've been easy to dismiss.
Well, erm... I really appreciated your review! (Yes, I'm quite sure you've heard enough of this from me already but I tend to have a habit of repeating myself)
@Everyone: Okay, I lied. I wasn't going to be explaining a lot.
Well, if anyone finds this confusing... I'll attempt to explain a little bit more?
'Rain' is technically a prequel to one of my long term writing projects (which will probably never be posted unless a miracle occurs and I am finally able to squeeze out those last few chapters or if some sly conniving fiend manages to coax it outta me) The story explores the relationship between two people who've met in their previous lives (yes that's right, I'm experimenting with reincarnation). The presence in 'Rain' basically foreshadows the appearance of the second MC and establishes how much Atticus can 'recall' from his previous life e.g. the dancing, the presence, etc.
And, and, and, and!... I'm rambling again, I'll just quit while I'm ahead of myself.
I really appreciate everyone's reviews! They really mean a lot to me
I have to agree that the imagery in this piece is wonderful. The images of Atticus dancing in the rain were amazing!!! Really good job!!!!
hey ludi...
<Atticus loved the rain. The gentle pitter patter of water droplets against glass windows and worn out pavement was soothing to the nerves and the feel of it against his bare skin was heavenly. A steady rhythm of splish.slide.plip. was a constant and just about everything else was drowned out by the sheer beauty of its simplicity.>
I had this feeling, a strong desire to know why the rain was refreshing... maybe you could post something like it was always warm, and the rain cooled him, or the rain was mild and refreshed his skin because dry?? Get me?
< A serene smile –a small tilt to the lips- would be plastered on his face>
For me, it's an oxymoron. "A small tilt to the lips" and "plastered on his face"... for me the plastered part means having a huge smile on ones face, whereas you've just said that he had a small tilt.
I thought it was a very very good start! Though one question remains... where is Atticus? Is he lying in a field? or on his balcony? where?
Otherwise great story
Hi there, Ludicrous! Kate here, as promised!
- LOVELY~ Although I'd like to point out this particular bit: "splish.slide.plip." This might work better as, "splish, slide, plip", in my opinion, and parallelism is a bit messed up because of the word 'slide'. The two other words are onomatopoeia, so you might want to replace 'slide' with an onomatopoeia to balance things out and not have an odd one in the nest.
- EDIT: "It was during rainy days like these that Atticus found himself letting go; letting go of everything and just living in the moment."
Note: Since you have repetition, it's best to separate with a semicolon.
- Oh, it was modern? The name Atticus just sounded so... medieval.
- I've edited for you. Check out the differences.
- Should be included with the previous paragraph.
- Pretty.
- No need to italicize 'gentle and tender'. Parenthesis should be omitted, replaced with commas.
- The last sentence doesn't make too much sense... mind to clarify?
- "Up and disappear"? I think you mean 'give up and disappear', although that seems inappropriate for this particular scene... maybe 'disappear' alone might work well.
- This paragraph I've edited for you again. It was such a put-off; full of pet peeves. You use dashes WAY too much for your own good. Foresty is not a word. You use 'oh-so' phrases too often. It gets annoying that way. And also, Atticus should feel afraid at first, I believe. He just... warms up to the ghost too quickly. Way too quickly. Please add a little bit more realism into this part.
- Edited for you. Again. I'm too lazy to point out everything, so I just show by example... or something. XD
- What a ruiner of an ending! The piece became so emo all of a sudden... BUT! Seeing that it's you, I think you can change this and pimp it up with different, more deeper wording and better expression of feelings, as well as better imagery. Job well done, Ludi. Hey, I made you a nickname!
Anyway, I'm in quite a hurry, so I hope you don't mind if I didn't discuss the mood and the content too well and just focused on the grammar... I hope it helped, nevertheless! I've enjoyed this quite well. I'll come back for another review, now featuring the mood and the feel of this piece, to go more in depth!
PM me if you need anything else, okay? Welcome to YWS again!
Hugs, sugar and sweet, fluffy nonsense,
~Kate
Hi there! I'm Kate, and welcome to YWS! Seeing that you gave such a lengthy review on my work, "Sunny Side Up!" (which I've already edited, by the way), I'm going to give you a review, too!
...As soon as I'm done with homework.
But rest assured, I'll be reviewing this. This is such a mesmerizing piece. I love the rain. :3
So there. Wait for me. I shall return!
PS: I love your username. Sooo witty. XD
~Kate
I loved it . you gave a great description of the rain and you used litery terms. Your whole thing was wonderful . I can't believe your only 13 good job continue writing .
I have to admit I agree with people before me that this is a really great piece! I really liked to read it and I'd love to see your next work!
I'm sorry I do not have anything to point out or around it, I found your piece written in a unique style I just accepted as it is and read through.
Kyousuke
Wow. Nice job! Normally I go through stories and tear them apart, finding too many grammatical mistakes for my sanity.
Your story though? Couldn't find a mistake. The story itself was amazing, I gotta admit I wish my descriptions flowed like that. I do have to say that I hope that this wasn't it-- I want to know more! What is this...being? Why? When?
Hopefully you'll expand upon this-- if not, oh well, I'll live.
Great job
good story, it was mezmorising, i love the rain
but a few sentences were a little long, maybe think about shortening them or making them two seperate sentences
well done!
I quite liked it; it reminded me a bit of the song 'Only Happy When It Rains'. However, I'm not sure this is really Romantic Fic; maybe Other Fic?
Indeed, this comes off as more a character sketch rather than much happening. It's good, don't get me wrong; in fact, character sketches are what I'm bad at, and sigh when others do it well.
Gold Star! (And it is always stars)
My favorite paragraph in the whole thing. It really creates the image of what the character looks like, and it makes him stand out as a very unique character.
A lot of good description and it made me shed a little tear. I'm not one to be very picky or evil against fiction, because I'm not a fiction buff, as much as I want to be. But I know what I like, and I really like this.
Hey! Loved this piece. It was absolutely beautiful. I am not going to pick out mistakes because; I am not a critical reviewer and I genuinely only pick out the good things in people's writing. Positivity all the way! As for a review you got from LoVeLess, she is correct about the repetition. As repetition can also be used as a technique. See what I mean? It can add a rythm or make a story catchy. Like the last paragraph for example. I felt that it added rhythm, or a play with words you might say. But, some parts were repetitive without a need, making them unneccesary; AKA an error. Thats all. Everything else is spot on! Beautiful imagery, it was astounding actually. Good work though, gold star!
Hi!
I really liked your story. I think your use of imagery is just mesmerizing. As I read I could understand how he found the rain so magical.
I would suggest, like others, that you read it again and check for repetitions, but appart from that, your story is great!
Keep up the good work!
.... WOW!! Nice job! You really made the story flow. Awesome work. A couple minor details though...
I understand that the periods are like pauses, but they aren't exactly, (in my opinion) the greatest things to use. Commas work the best there, I think. But you do what you want with it!You do have a lot of repetitions in there as well. Those can easily be sorted out just simply going back and reading it again, and then re-reading. It sound like the crappiest thing ever to do, but believe me, it really helps! Also, take a quick peek into your italicized words. You used quite a bit for emphasis, which is okay, but just go back and peek. Or, just say "The heck with you Lucy!" Doesn't matter really. Other than repetitions and tenses, it was excellent. I look forward to reading more of your work. All of my comments are just opinions so don't feel pressured to change anything. Once again, well done.
Lucy Pennykettle
@LoVeLeSs: *Laughs nervously* I guess I was a little bit over eager. Well, fortunately I have (somewhat) rectified the 'two reviews before you post' problem (not technically but at least I made up for my mistake). I'll be looking forward to your review.
@irish: *Pumps fist into the air* I've made a good impression! I'm glad you enjoyed the story, I was a little worried about how well it'd be received by the members of YWS when I had initially posted it. Oh and, thank you for the welcome!
Hey there, welcome to YWS my friend! And lol, I loved your yelling at Microsoft, it made a good impression on me
and your sig, hahaha.
Anyway, this story was hypnotizing. I did notice the tense mix-up in the beginning but you fixed it at the bottom so thats not really a problem. But the rest of the story, I
a) couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors
b) L-O-V-E-D
It was just such an insight to how magical he sees the rain and what he does in it, and what magical things happen in the rain for him. The dance, the being. Amazing!
Your description, I envy, haha. It really flows. But my one piece of advice for this, is watch your tenses, and don't worry, I have a problem with them too
I would love to read more from you!
Keep up the beautiful work! *stars*
-Irish
First off you have to give two reviews before you post. It's the rules, hon. Second, I can't give this a proper review because I'm currently working from my cell phone. This was good, so far, apart from various mistakes, run ons, repetitions, well, you get my point. When my computer starts working again i'll give this a proper review.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night